


Reconnecting

by luxrayed



Series: Sorry, Hargreeves' [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alive Ben Hargreeves, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Anxiety Attacks, Ben Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Ben Hargreeves is Bad at Feelings, Ben Hargreeves is Confused, Bisexual Ben Hargreeves, F/M, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Mildly Dubious Consent, POV Ben Hargreeves, Probably ooc, Social Anxiety, Sorry Ben, Trans Ben Hargreeves, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, basically just taking out my issues on ben, no beta we die like ben
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:47:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28018719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luxrayed/pseuds/luxrayed
Summary: She saw him and ran down the street to hug him tightly.“It’s been such a long time!” she said over his shoulder.Ben had been about to say the exact same thing, but stumbled when she got there first. Instead what came out was:“It’s been such aaaa- ages.”He cringed at himself.It had already happened.ORI take out my issues on Ben Hargreeves.
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Original Female Character(s), Ben Hargreeves/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Sorry, Hargreeves' [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2052285
Kudos: 1





	Reconnecting

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not sure how much sense this makes, or if it's worth reading honestly???  
> just had some things to deal with and what better way than to take them out on my favourite ghost boy and then publish the work, never to think of it again!  
> pretty genius, if you ask me.

Ben repeatedly clenched and relaxed his fists in his pockets as he waited in front of a shop near the bus stop. Rachel would be there soon.

It had been over six years since he had first met her, at the community college where he had taken his GED (because of course, for all of Reginald’s insistence on his children receiving the best education available, they had never gotten any official grades or diplomas). 

He and Rachel had been immediately paired together on a long project, and had become fast friends. Yeah, that’s what they had been. Friends. They had been best friends for a while, before life had gotten in the way and they had each gone in separate directions. Or, rather, Ben had gone to pursue his dreams and Rachel had stayed behind, stagnating in her ways and travelling in circles. So the two had fallen out of touch. Slowly, at first, then all at once. 

As it was, Ben had only spoken to Rachel twice in the past four years.

The first time was a simple message, sent when Ben had had maybe a few too many drinks at a gathering with his friends, and he had expressed how much he missed her. Or, at least, that was what he had been trying to say. Typed by drunk fingers, however, the message had turned out more like:

_ ‘Hry rahrahy lsitden u jno its beem a wgilr bit i jsy wntrd to sau i midd yoi snd hipw i sre fioing erll’ _

Ben had felt too humiliated the next morning to read the reply and had just deleted the entire conversation from his phone.

The second time was three days ago. It had been late at night and luckily, Ben had still been awake, talking to Klaus about whether birds understood what humans were or not.

Rachel had asked to meet up, now that Ben was back in their home city, so they had agreed to get a late lunch together on Monday to catch-up.

Which is why Ben found himself stood, in the cold, waiting for someone he might not know anymore, and feeling incredibly anxious about it all.

Ben Hargreeves, however he may come across, had always had great difficulty initiating conversations. And continuing them. There was just something in his head that emptied whenever trying to find ways to respond, or questions to ask that could elongate the chat or move the topic to something new or interesting. There was a reason why he and Vanya, the ‘quiet siblings’, had gotten along so well as children.

As it were, he had prepared several prompts in case of a lull. 

Not that he found silence uncomfortable, per se, he just felt as if he  _ should _ always be talking. That seemed to be the most common expectation of people, after all. Prolonged breaks in conversations made him feel embarrassed, ashamed. And he wanted to impress Rachel after all these years, show her how much he had changed and grown as a person.

He wasn’t naive enough to ignore the fact that it was an immature view to have. But he couldn’t help it. Sometimes people just felt the way they felt, no matter how irrational it may be. Ben considered himself mature enough to admit that.

(It didn’t stop him from beating himself up about it though).

* * *

When Rachel finally stepped off of the bus and began walking towards him, Ben found himself forcing all of his muscles to relax.

She looked exactly the same. Her chestnut-coloured hair was the same length, she wore the same navy blue bomber jacket and walked with the same bounce, and she had a rolled-up cigarette pinched between her fingers. It was actually kind of comforting. He had been worried that he wouldn’t recognise her after all these years, but, at the same time, it was far too familiar. He didn’t like who he had been back then, yet he immediately felt himself regressing to the same mental state he had worked so hard to escape from (maybe it was still a work-in-progress, but that didn’t matter).

She saw him and ran down the street to hug him tightly.

“It’s been such a long time!” she said over his shoulder.

Ben had been about to say the exact same thing, but stumbled when she got there first. Instead what came out was:

“It’s been such aaaa- ages.” 

He cringed at himself.

It had already happened.

The two old friends wandered the streets for a while, occasionally poking their heads into a shop.

Conversation was stilted. Or rather, Ben’s responses were stilted. They felt forced, unnatural, and he internally reprimanded himself for being so awkward. 

Rachel spoke about her new dog, who she had adopted after a relationship ended badly. She spoke about having moved around the neighbouring areas several times, and was currently living with someone she wasn’t  _ quite _ dating anymore. Ben had asked what she meant by that, but she had brushed off the question and subtly but swiftly switched the topic.

It was kind of fun he guessed; they made jokes and laughed, and it almost seemed normal at times. Plus, it was nice to see Rachel again, no matter what.

* * *

Eventually, they had found a quiet restaurant and settled down to order their meals and a couple of drinks; alcoholic, of course, because god knows Ben felt anxious enough and there was only one way he could possibly relax right now.

(He knew that probably wasn’t true. He had seen Klaus dive headfirst into addiction and was determined not to make the same mistakes, but what harm could one night do?)

Things were a bit quieter than they had been when they were walking and Ben excused that as they were eating. You couldn’t talk with your mouth full, of course. But he still hated it. He was used to Klaus and Allison filling the gaps with gossip and outrageous stories. He was used to the unobtrusive lull that could be reached by simply existing nearby Five or Vanya. But this didn’t feel like that. Plus, Rachel kept checking her phone every few minutes, which made Ben antsy, but he refused to do the same. It was impolite, after all. 

Discussion may not have been flowing easily, but Ben still had a couple of cards up his sleeves. His prepared prompts.

“Have you seen any of the others lately?” he asked.

There had been a small group of them that had regularly hung out together during their college days. Ben had lost contact with all of them when he had moved away. He hadn’t been surprised really, why would anybody want to travel hours to visit him when they all had  better other friends right around the corner? He just wasn’t worth the effort. 

“No, I haven’t even spoken to Jess in a couple of years.”

That was strange, Ben thought. Rachel and Jess had always been close. He was pretty sure they were dating at one point, though maybe not in any official terms. He hummed in response and Rachel continued.

“Yeah, y’know, she wanted me to move with her when she left for uni, but, like, all of my life is here: my friends, my family, y’know? But, like, after that she kept sending me pictures of her with other girls and then she’d come crying to me when they split up. Eventually, she called me crazy, or something, for some reason. Even though she was the one who kept changing her mind and asking for me back, then going off with someone new the next week!”

“Yeah,” Ben didn’t really want to talk about their relationship. Honestly? It had always been rocky at best, but he decided to keep that to himself, “She was always a bit hot and cold, I guess.”

“Right?” Rachel exclaimed, then continued to rant for another few minutes, leaving Ben to nod along and pull the right facial expressions at the right time. He internalised a sigh. He’d first met up with Rachel nearly an hour ago now, and so far she had only asked one question. He tried not to be too irritated about it; he knew that she was probably used to people begging to know everything about her, and constantly either asking questions or just naturally continuing the conversation while just having to answer with anecdotes and fun responses. Ben wasn’t the biggest fan of talking about himself anyways, but it would be nice for someone to be interested. Or at least act like it.

It seemed like it was up to him.

“I saw Brad the other week, when I first moved back. We spent some time at his, but there was the biggest spider and it crawled over my bag. I freaked out for like an hour after that.”

It wasn’t the most interesting thing to say, but he wanted to say it nonetheless. 

Rachel, unfortunately, steam-rolled right past his comment with little more than a small smirk before she started talking about some girl that was trying to get with her.

Ben suddenly realised that this sort of thing happened a lot, back when they saw each other regularly. He’d just been so excited to have friends that he’d brushed it off like dust. He didn’t feel too good about it anymore. Rachel hadn’t seemed to have noticed that she even did it though, so he didn’t say anything. That would have been too awkward anyway. 

* * *

After another drink or two (Rachel was on her fourth glass of wine), things started to get more interesting. They were laughing more, Ben becoming more confident to throw out his usual sarcastic or jokey comments, and Rachel was more animated when she spoke. He noticed she pushed her hair back a lot. It looked soft, and her smile was bright and endearing when she told stories, or teased Ben back, and he remembered why they had got along so well to begin with. They set each other off in fits of giggles, reminiscing on their stupid antics in the past. It was nice. This had been what he’d hoped today to be like.

Suddenly, Rachel got a hazy, faraway look in her eyes.

“And then suddenly, you’d all left me.”

Ben startled at the abrupt change, eyebrows scrunching together and a question on his lips. But she kept talking.

“You know, I didn’t even know that you were moving until Jess told me.” Her stare pierced through his soul. Rachel had always had this way of opening up at the most unexpected times, her vulnerability shining through and softening her entire face. He remembered many nights of trying to comfort and cheer her up after things got just a bit too real. She’d always preferred to distance herself from things that hurt, until it all came crashing down at once.

“I -” Ben started, “I thought I’d told you. We had a whole conversation about it, I was sure.” He phrased it more like a question, but he  _ was _ certain that they’d talked about it. She knew about his plans. He didn’t just leave her without a word.

.. Did he?

Rachel shrugged, forced nonchalance taking over. She stared into the middle distance, her eyes sparkling with unsaid emotions that Ben couldn’t determine.

“It’s fine. I mean, everyone else left too.”

Ben leaned forward in his chair, “I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to.” He tried catching her gaze, a wave of guilt washing over him. He doubted his own memory. 

He had hurt her. They had been friends and she had trusted him, and he had hurt her.

“Hey,” he said, “I’m back now, okay?”

It wasn’t great. He knew he couldn’t make up for leaving just by returning, but it was a start. And, luckily, it was enough, as she focussed back on him with a smile spreading over her face.

“Yeah, you are.” Her voice was soft and filled with wonder, and Ben couldn’t help grinning back at her. His nerves were trembling, but in that second, he felt okay.

And then the moment was over, as Rachel jumped up to roll a cigarette.

* * *

The chill outside pinched at Ben’s skin through his thin jacket. He’d left his coat at the table to indicate that they were still sitting there, but he was beginning to regret it. The sun had sunk towards the horizon, now hidden by the tall buildings surrounding them, so the restaurant’s outside area was only lit by an orange lamp hanging from the wall, and the lights flooding out from the seating area indoors. 

This kind of lighting suited Rachel perfectly, he couldn’t help but think.

She had passed tipsy, her cheeks likely turning pink under her foundation, and she stared at Ben as he hopped back and forth between his feet in an attempt to stay warm.

“Oh no!” she gasped, “We can’t have you being cold. Come on, dance with me!”

Ben laughed, “Dance to what? There’s no music out here.”

A mischievous grin crossed her lips as she started possibly the worst improvised rap that Ben had ever heard.

“Ben and RayRay

Together again

Four long years

But it’s gonna be the same…

...As before”

He allowed Rachel to drag side to side in an awkward swaying motion until she finished composing her atrocity and fell against him with a giggle.

“I’m glad you’re back,” she smiled up at him, and their faces were close as they stared at each other. So many thoughts raced through his mind, and yet, it was empty, as if all the words were worlds away. He did, however, feel anxiety racing up his chest.

It was familiar, a moment reminiscent of the past, of bated breath and slightly-too-closeness. Nothing else mattered but it all mattered too much. It was terrifying. It was overwhelming. It was an incredibly uncomfortable habit.

Then, once again, the moment was broken by Rachel. She flicked the end of her smoke away and bounced back inside, leaving Ben to stare almost breathlessly back at her. There was no reason for him to feel like this, he recognised, but he did. She was adorable and irritating and beautiful, all at the same time, and it was awful. Or was it wonderful?

That was yet to be confirmed.

* * *

Ben fell back in his chair and Rachel instantly rounded the table to sit next to him because “we have to take a selfie!”. Ben groaned internally. Be it dysphoria or just general self-consciousness, there had been a reason for him avoiding cameras lately. Every picture he was in seemed to come out awful, and it just served to make him feel worse about himself. This time was no different.

He tried smiling, putting his hands in front of parts of his face, and pulling silly expressions, but he looked terrible in every photo that Rachel took. It made him want to hide away forever.

While looking back over the pictures, Rachel caught him grimace in reaction.

“What?” she asked.

“I just- I just don’t like it. It’s fine.” He tried to brush it off quickly. It wasn’t really something he wanted to talk about, but she was having none of it.

“Hey, no! You look beautiful! Though I guess you usually call men handsome, which you are! Although, I know a lot of men like to be called beautiful too, which you also are!”

Ben scrunched up his nose and looked away. It was uncomfortable for him to hear, and he could tell that this conversation was very quickly approaching nightmare territory for him.

“Hey, listen,” Rachel said, and he glanced up as she shifted her chair closer.

She looked deep into his eyes, one hand resting on his arm, “Before you left, we were like this,” she crossed her fingers, “We were so close, y’know? Closer than friends. Like this.” She pushed her crossed fingers in his face and swayed closer.

The soft lighting in the restaurant sparkled across her eyes and she looked beautiful, sure, she looked just like how Ben remembered her. But he couldn’t tell what colour her eyes were. They looked grey, green and blue all at the same time, but also colourless. They were equally entrancing and horrifying. And he didn’t know what to think.

She leaned to her side, her arm pressing on Ben’s more heavily, glancing down at his lips just once. Then more intense eye contact. 

His skin crawled. Was this what he wanted? Yeah, he’d missed her too. She was fun, and carefree, but while they were apart he’d forgotten how nervous she made him; how intimidating she was. And it wasn’t her fault. All the progress that he’d made with feeling somewhat more comfortable in his whole person was reduced back to how it had been four years ago. He felt small, and she made him feel important, even if it wasn’t true. She had always been like this; close and intimate until a better offer came along. 

But, in that moment, just like every moment before, he believed her.

“I missed you. And I still feel how I did. You’re just as beautiful and hot and handsome as you were before. I think I fell for you when I first saw you,” Rachel said, eyes wide and pleading, vulnerable, but temporary. Ben found that he couldn’t speak. He searched his mind for words but none of them seemed to fit. It all felt so right, yet so so wrong. 

Instead, he just let out a nervous laugh and ducked his head, nodding along. Maybe she’d sense his discomfort, and they could go back to talking normally, as just friends. Not as this something more that Ben wasn’t sure he wanted anymore.

But when he looked up, and she leaned in, he was trapped.

The alcohol and smoke on her breath weren’t horrible, and the kiss wasn’t bad. But it wasn’t good either. It wasn’t how he’d remembered it. Their lips didn’t fit together; their movements discordant and strange. And Ben thought for sure that she’d realise it too.

But maybe this was how it was meant to go, or maybe she was a bit too far past tipsy to notice.

There was no space behind Ben for him to wriggle back in to, he couldn’t shuffle away. So, he just tried to ignore it, tried to ignore the feelings of  _ wrongwrongwrong _ spinning around his head. 

This was fine. This used to be fine. Why was it no longer fine?

His arms rested awkwardly in the gap between their two bodies and he twisted his fingers nervously.

He should say something, shouldn’t he? He should just explain, but the words weren’t there. And Rachel was so tender and unguarded and he knew the shit she’d been through. He couldn’t hurt her like that.

Would it hurt her? She’d seemed hurt before, when talking about when he left. What if she thought he was leaving again? He wanted her as a friend, he was sure of that.

.. Probably.

He had so few friends, surely a slightly uncomfortable friendship was better than no friendship at all, right?

Finally, she pulled away and Ben was left dazed. He had no idea what expression had covered his face. He was too caught up in his own thoughts.

Rachel was talking again, repeating her sentences as if she hadn’t just said them barely 2 minutes ago. Ben wasn’t sure how to feel about that.

He pulled his sleeves over his hands and picked up his drink, so at least his mouth would be preoccupied with the straw for a few seconds or so.

A temporary solution.

Maybe this would be easier with more alcohol in his system. Or less, but that wasn’t really an option right now. 

Things were just too intense, and that crawling feeling in his veins was old. He wanted to be back home, wearing his comfiest sweatpants and curled up on the sofa. He didn’t want to figure out how he felt, or what he may or may not want. He didn’t want to be who he used to be, who he’d tried so hard to escape from. 

Rachel was still talking, her hands waving in large movements and occasionally coming to rest on Ben’s arm, or his leg, or brushing against his chest and making him flinch. Her voice was entrancing - it was like a superpower of hers; she could make a person feel like they were the only one in the world, the only one that mattered. She could make people feel big, and important. 

Ben just squirmed under the spotlight.

* * *

Another drink (or two, in Rachel’s case) later, and things got worse. 

Seemingly out of nowhere, she had gestured to his chest and asked, “So, are you still wearing a, y’know?”

Ben cringed, but nodded, not sure what else to say.

“Are you going to get surgery?”

_ Fuck _ . 

He really didn’t want to talk about that. It was hard enough that his internal monologue was constantly reminding him about him ‘not being a real man’. But someone else mentioning it  _ out loud _ ? 

Ben  _ hated _ it.

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, his tone clipped, “Just waiting for an appointment to start planning things.” 

Rachel nodded, still looking at his chest with her hand trailing down his arm. He pulled his jacket closer around his front, trying to put as many layers between his binder and her eyes as possible. It didn’t seem to discourage her.

“It’s almost a shame; you had such a great rack.”

Ben flinched hard. He could feel his heart rate picking up, and he attempted to curl in on himself more, but her hands grazed over his front, coming to rest just below his collarbones. A heavy bassline resonated through his skull, pressing on his ears and his temples and sending panic thrumming through his body. Did Rachel not know how inappropriate that was? Did she not see how incredible unsettled Ben felt? Or did she simply not care? He thought she knew better than that. 

He pointedly crossed his arms, pushing her hands away, and tried to keep his breathing level, despite the tornado tearing apart his mind. 

“I mean, you still look hot either way. You always have.” Rachel said, seemingly oblivious to the discomfort she had caused. And then she turned away to roll a cigarette. Ben let out a silent breath of air, thanking God that he’d have a few minutes alone to calm himself down, or maybe think of an excuse to leave.

But she grabbed his hand and dragged him back outside.

* * *

“You know,” she said, exhaling a cloud of smoke, “I thought about you a lot, while you were gone. You were the best friend I ever had -” (Ben knew for a fact that that wasn’t true) “- and we were more than friends. And it was so easy, y’know?”

Rachel used the hand not holding her cigarette to drag him closer by his jacket. His feet inadvertently followed her pull. She held the smoke up to his lips and he breathed it in. It wasn’t the first time Ben had smoked (although he refused to make a habit out of it) so there was no shock in his throat or lungs, the alcohol had probably helped with that too. But Ben hated himself for it. He knew that he had always struggled with saying no to her, always getting pulled along with things he wasn’t 100% sure about. That was probably why she put up with him. 

But also, she’d always seemed to have the same effect on everyone else, too. If Rachel wanted something, you did it. Ben liked to think he said ‘no’ more than others, always straining to keep a hold of his personal plans and morals. He couldn’t say for sure, though, if he’d ever succeeded with that. Maybe he was just kidding himself.

“I liked us together.” She was closer now, staring at the smoke falling out of his lips, then looking up at him with her big, colourless eyes. How was it possible for them to be so empty, yet so full of emotion?

He hated it.

He loved it.

He didn’t want this.

.. Did he?

Another kiss, and Ben knew he could have moved away (probably). But while the kiss itself was underwhelming at best, her fingers were scratching gently through his hair, past his ear, and over his throat. And he liked that feeling. Ignoring the fact that he was probably just touch-starved to hell, he allowed it. Ignoring the vague panic and protesting in his gut, he leaned closer.

“It’s too bad you’re gay,” Rachel said suddenly, and,  _ what _ ? Where the hell did she get that idea from?

“Uh, dude, I’m bi. You know that,” Ben stammered out, feeling completely blindsided. That came  _ entirely _ out of nowhere and he had  _ no _ idea how he was supposed to respond. A distant voice in the back of his head suggested that maybe Rachel was looking for a different answer. Perhaps something along the lines of  _ “you’re the exception” _ , but he quickly brushed the thought away, and ignored the guilt crawling into his stomach because, god, he should really think better of his friends instead of always assuming the worst.

He also thought, briefly, that maybe he was gay. But quickly dismissed that thought too because  _ not wanting to kiss one specific girl didn’t mean he wasn’t interested in girls at all, he was just overreacting which, sure, it’s a very on-brand thing for him to do but now isn’t the time or the place, Ben _ .

He didn’t have long to consider many possible options though as Rachel shrugged, putting on an air of clearly fake indifference and swayed back inside. 

Fuck, she really was all over the place.

But, then again, she’d always been like that.

* * *

Half an hour later, and Ben allowed himself to be dragged to a bar, where they were due to meet two of Rachel’s friends - George and Chris. That had been his opportunity to excuse himself and go home, and he had missed it.  _ It was just supposed to be lunch _ . 

Internally, he cursed himself. Outwardly, he introduced himself, and pretended to be listening to whatever conversation the other three were having.

On the way there, Rachel had confessed that George was actually her ex. They had dated for a bit after she had split up with her  _ previous _ boyfriend, and had bonded over shared trauma or betrayal or something. She had been very vague about it all, honestly.

Ben wasn’t having a great time, overall. He felt awkward around the new people, so allowed himself to just sink into the background while they all caught up and teased each other. At some point, Rachel must have noticed that he hadn’t said anything, and (very loudly) announced that they should all be involving him more. 

Unsurprisingly, it made him feel worse.

He excused himself to go to the bathroom and when he returned, Rachel and George were in the middle of a quiet conversation about their  _ history _ or something, and Chris was looking increasingly uncomfortable. Ben could relate to that. So he sat and listened to him talk about his current job - building a website for some loans company - and tried his damndest to seem interested.

All he could think about was leaving.

His mouth was dry, and his jacket felt too hot and itchy, and he had far too much restless energy building up in his tense muscles. The day had not gone at all how he had hoped it would and at that point, he was ready to just write it off and relax on his own instead.

At some point, George and Chris went outside to smoke, leaving Ben with Rachel, who instantly moved around the table to sit next to him. She didn’t waste any time before kissing him again and, oh god, he felt  _ far too exposed _ sat right next to the ceiling to floor glass windows.

He knew,  _ he knew  _ that he should have said something earlier. Then he wouldn’t be in this predicament, with no way to wriggle out of her grip. 

She pulled away and said something about George acting like an asshole but actually being a big softie inside.

She also said something about how she’d always been into Ben, but he was hardly listening anymore. His blood felt too hot in his veins and his back hurt from being frequently tense and he wanted  _ out _ . 

The other two arrived back at the table and he saw his opportunity. He fumbled to unhook his coat from the back of his chair and stood up, offering some half-assed excuse about having things to do this evening. Which was super vague and also very suspicious but he couldn’t bring himself to care. His  fight or flight instincts were screaming at him.

Rachel also stood up so that he could get past her chair but then she dragged him in for another kiss,  _ again _ , and Ben was left so acutely, uncomfortably aware of Chris and George staring at him and he needed to escapeescapse _ escape _ . But apparently leaning back wasn’t enough as Rachel just followed his lips and  _ oh god he just wanted the ground to swallow him up _ .

Eventually, he managed to gently push her off him and all but ran out of the bar, not even pausing to put his coat on until he was at least halfway down the street.

Thoughts of the day raced through his mind at lightning speeds. For the life of him, he couldn’t figure out how he felt past just  _ panic _ and  _ relief _ .

At least, though, he was finally on his way home and he was looking forward to completely shutting down, both physically and emotionally. He walked all the way back on auto-pilot, hardly registering the music playing through his headphones or the biting wind on his cheeks. He could decide how he felt tomorrow, when his brain wasn’t filled with mash potatoes.

At least it was over now.


End file.
